Great thief of African-American history Bob Dylan seems to have boosted the contrast on this story of a privileged, white douchebag and the barmaid he yelled to death in Baltimore’s Emerson Hotel (this track’s location) back in 1963. By many accounts, not least among them Ian Frazier’s in Mother Jones, Dylan basically broke canes across the back of many of the facts in the story (oof, right?), coming down maybe an iota too hard on Zantzinger as though Zantzinger had bludgeoned the woman to death with a cane to the face.

But Zantzinger hadn’t, evidently, and is merely responsible for basically terrorizing her into just, I guess, dying of her own accord. Point is, Dylan took liberties, Zantzinger was a prick, and old lady Carroll’s 11 children were left to fend–

Wait a second. Eleven children?! Eleven, Ms. Carroll? Not, like, 9 or even 6? You needed 11 kids for some reason? We are all dying to know: what was that reason? It happens still today – people just load up on children like they’ll need them for zombie fodder or something – but how did Hattie Carroll even find the time to fuxk that much, let alone get maternal leave from The Emerson? What were you up to, Hattie Carroll? You were a seriously busy lady.

Zantzinger, meanwhile, sounds like a tobacco-farming, socializing, plastic cane-collecting numbnuts, who not only fuxked up one of the few rules people like him have lording over them (whatever you do, whatever you do, stop short of killing somebody) but left a legacy of fuxking up in obvious and ironic ways. Good work, genius. You smeared your stain across many decades and left little Zantzinger-sized holes in the Civil Rights movement that will last for years to come.

So there you have it. What have we learned?

1. William Zantzinger did kill poor Hattie Carroll, but...slightly more gently than you think.
2. Ms. Carroll was evidently planning to birth and field a Baltimore-based football team back when it was cool to have Baltimore-based football teams.
3. Dylan or no, sounds like there's no need to feel any sympathy for the besmirched name of William Zantzinger.
4. Bob Dylan loves black people so much he just wants to pinch their little cheeks and take their stuff.
5. Zantzinger, arguable public slander notwithstanding, is one of many who don't think Dylan is much of a singer.
6. Previous item is decidedly erroneous. Short of Tom Waits Dylan is perhaps the best singer.
7. John Ritter and Phil Hartman should still be alive and everyone knows it.

MAPPING IT

A little dot that used to be the Emerson Hotel in Baltimore, MD.

HEARING IT